December. A series of setbacks, one after the other. I find myself 2 months behind schedule now.
Disappointed, but on the other hand, I am slightly relieved to have a little extra time to prepare. I feel useless here, I no longer have any interest in trying to make any sort of life for myself in this place, so I am left to anxiously wait out the days. My only purpose of being here right now is to work, to lessen my debt load. My frustration is increased now that my work hours have been cut from 40 hours a week to 8. As soon as I received my new schedule I booked a flight out of here, may as well if I am not working for an entire week. I know I am a resourceful person, this shouldn't be an issue for me, I have never had a problem finding work and making money when I need to. At this particular time I feel mentally exhausted, my subconscious seems to have given up on me. That little voice inside of me that kicks my ass whenever I lose my drive has left me.
These days I find myself back and forth from work to home. When I'm not working, I only feel a desire to play guitar in my room. There isn't really much else to do and at least writing songs gives me a sense of accomplishment. The other benefit is that it serves as a major distraction from people, which tends to consume much of my thinking when I allow it to do so. I am fighting to keep myself on a stable plateau. I fear any lulls between distractions, I find myself thinking about things I should not bother even thinking about.
I remember a time, before medication, when my mind wandered always towards the negative. I have the opposite problem these days. My heart is filled with fond reminiscence, where before would have been sadness and negativity. Perhaps I am too optimistic at times, believing I have the ability to change specific circumstances. I often feel as if I could take over the world if I so wished. Most likely a result of making such a drastic life change in such a brief period of time. In this case, I often wish I would dwell more upon the negative as to focus on the lessons I should have learned.
All in all, everything is very much up in the air. Part of me likes not knowing exactly how things are going to turn out. I have always loved surprises.
