I need to get my shit together. The past four or five days have been spend ignoring my own plans and instead, getting drunk and being a lazy asshole. In the front of my mind, it's mostly for the enjoyment but I'm sure somewhere it also has something to do with trying to distract from the reality of things at the moment. 

Last night I cracked open a 40oz at 2am and proceeded to get absolutely obliterated. Went to get drunk breakfast around 7:30 and somehow I managed to lose my phone. I have no idea where it ended up. I went back to the restaurant and rifled through the garbages trying to find it. I'm pretty positive I left it on the table and one of the crack heads in the restaurant stole it. 

I'm pretty upset with myself, I am not usually this careless with my things, even whilst intoxicated. The worst part is that my phone is full of some of my most private mementos. Photos, text messages, videos etc. For the past year or more I had been holding on to text messages from certain people that brought back good memories. Memories of times when I felt wanted and appreciated, such a fleeting feeling for me that I've felt the need to cling to the ones that once existed. 

Somehow I think the universe is telling me it's time to really let go.

Dear Anonymous commenter,

It is imperative that I know who you are. I assume you are someone who knows me well. Based on some small details, I could speculate as to who you are, but I will drive myself crazy doing so. It could be dangerous. For the sake of my own sanity, please reveal your identity. Email me at sootxstars@gmail.com if you wish to maintain your public anonymity.  <3 With love, Ali.

Anonymous said...

Lady Whyte Your problem is a simple one ; you`re young and full of passion. While everybody is young once, not everyone has passion. Passion is a bitch, blessing and burden. It`s all bright colours and sharp edges ; when you get to close, some one is always left blind and bleeding. With age comes perspective,which is little more than muted passion. The colours dull, the jagged edges get smoothed over and passage through the minefields becomes easy. There`s a serious downside here however ; one stops seeking the upside. Greatness courts failure and adoration invites embarrassment. Avoiding the latter, makes attaining the former impossible. Stay off the meds if you can. ( I know, easy for me to say) One either treats the cause or the effect. The cause is youth, passion and brilliance , the effect is disillusionment, heartache and isolation. To rid yourself of the effect you will probably lose the cause in the process. It` s a poor trade. You`ll never rule the world ( I certainly didn`t) but it`s always better to believe you can.

Back in December I purchased tickets for Joanna Newsom in Montreal for my sister's birthday present. After all the chaos in January and February I nearly decided not to go, but at the last minute I managed to pull myself together for a brief but very fun mini vacation. 

I flew to Toronto a few days before the show so I could see some of my very favorite people, then took a bus to Montreal to meet up with my sister.

Some photos;

Absolute love of my life, Brittany Holik.

 Jaime; My wifey, Brittany and I. Drinking Stella, Strawberry Fruli and snacking on fruit, sugar donuts and popcorn! P.S. Brittany has the most beautiful condo I have ever seen. Jealous.

 Jaime laughing at something, I was far too drunk to remember. Maybe something to do with Brittany's cat Ivy in the background.

 Ivy is kind of a slut.

 Sian also came to our little party! I love this girl, so so so much. 

Bradford, Sian and Brittany

This is what it has come to. Chatroulette parties!! To be fair, it was miserable outside. We spent a good 5 hours on Chatroulette, even made a few new friends! Also sang David Bowie to unsuspecting strangers.

 Sian and Bradford annouced their departure well into the early ours of the morning. I was a sad girl.

Please don't go! I'll eat you up, I love you so!!

I forgot about the time change. It was 4 am, then suddenly it was actually 5 am! And I had to catch a bus in an hour. I had two options, try to sober up or continue to drink. I chose to keep the party going. The secret to traveling is to teleport. I passed out as soon as I got a seat on the bus, so a 7 hour bus ride was only a blink in time for me.

First morning in Montreal, went to a place called Crepes to Go. Sooo good.

Leah's Crepe and smoothie! We all discovered that Crepes are the most satisfying thing to eat after a long night of drinking.

My sister and I tend to order the exact same things. Une oeuf et fromage crepe.

The Opus Hotel on Rue Sherbrooke and Saint Laurent. My sister made herself at home very quickly.

 I have an obsession with boutique hotels. Another little travel secret of mine. The Opus came equip with fashion magazines, luxury brand toiletries and gorgeous lighting and accessories.

The view from our room.

We couldn't help ourselves, another crepe before Joanna Newsom was in order.

Finally, the very reason I exist. Joanna Newsom. I could say so much, but I will save it for my review.

I am so glad the Blogger text editor has a "backspace" button, as the button on my keypad fell off after I dropped my laptop yesterday. Urg.

I wonder what it would be like, if my plans stayed on course for a change. I feel as if all these unexpected twists and turns are only making me crazier, I am locked in battle with the inevitable deterioration of my plans, choosing alternate routes and strategies on a nearly weekly basis. It's become exhausting. 

My impatience was removed after my mother's aneurysm, of course. I suppose the prospect of nearly losing the most important person in my life was enough to remind me that I musn't always be in such a damn hurry to do things. I returned to Canada, comfortable with my decision to put my plans on hold for a few months and focus on taking care of my mother, as well as working as much as humanly possible in order to keep myself busy and alleviate some of my debt before school. But as I should have come to expect, nothing goes as planned for long, but this was a real shock to everyone - my co workers and I were all informed that our store was being closed, due to conflicts with the developer of the complex we were attached to. After about 8 years of slowly building the two condos in the complex, they decided to halt further development, violating the agreement with our company to finish the project. 

We were given two days before they closed the doors for good. Anyone who knows me, knows how much pride I take in my work, and how very much I loved this particular job. I was devastated, to say the least. We were all promised placement at different locations, but what made my job so wonderful was the amazing people I worked with. This brought up a lot of fear and insecurity, I have such a difficult time relating to other people, especially in a work setting. Most jobs I have had over the years, I've felt like an outcast and entirely unappreciated. This job was my stability, my escape. I could put all I had into my work and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride at the end of the day, considering the only time I leave my house is for work. 

The girls and I had a sort of wake on the Friday the store closed. It was actually a lot of fun and I didn't turn into an awful emotional drunk. It wasn't until the next day that I went to a very bad place. I ended up with some awful throat and sinus infection, and spent the next week in bed being a miserable, useless lump. I felt a sort of hopelessness I hadn't felt in well over a year, it scared the hell out of me. I read all the wrong sort of books that week, ones that only further validated my sense of meaninglessness. It took going into my store to help pack things up to pull me out of my hole.

I was offered a new job with some of my co workers at a new store that is quite far from my house. I decided that the best idea would be to move to that area. Now I am moving into a lovely house with one of my co workers, and by coincidence, a long lost childhood friend. I am still unsure how long I will be staying here, I suppose everything depends on a lot of things at the moment, the sort of uncertainty I really dislike, but a reality I will have to come to terms with. I will be going back to Los Angeles in a few weeks to retrieve my car. I am defintely not looking forward to this, especially considering my last trek down there was plagued with confusion and heart break. I am hoping to have some money put aside by then to at least enjoy the long road trip back up to Canada.