bow and arrow

Caught up in all of it; feeling sorry for myself and rehashing old failures.
Seldom these days, but the fear still finds it's way into my psyche, and my body feels weak all over.
Am I so naive, after every thing? Could it possible be - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice... and so forth. A disheartening notion. Perhaps my sense of sagacity is more of a detriment than an advantage at this particular point in time, holding my head up so high that I fail to see the carpet pulled out from under me.

I find myself coming back to the notion of accomplishment, and furthermore - self fulfillment. Am I really genuinely seeking self fulfillment, or simply embracing isolation? For the latter, I could think of nothing else I could do at this point other than run away from what makes me feel the most isolated. I found much joy in solitude, but only with the knowledge of its impermanence. Knowing that I would soon find myself back in my old, repulsive comfort zones, the people and places I know so well but do not bring me happiness. It's tolerable, mediocre, comfortable. Yet being able to move around with eyes closed leaves time for too much thinking, analyzing, trying to figure out if it is me, or them.

Real, I find, is not good enough for most people. I find myself constantly falling short of people's expectations, their idealistic notions. I am far too stubborn to attempt to romanticize my persona in an attempt to hold one's attention, and I don't think I could keep up the act. I would always eventually give myself away and turn out to be just be as plain and boring as anyone else. In other cases I feel there is an addiction to the pursuit and the rush, once someone becomes routine then the interest is lost.

I am exhausted by this game.