What am I thinking about?

I'm hungry. This is for sure, I can feel it.
My eyes are burning a little, I must be tired.

I'm having difficulty distinguishing between thought processes. When I sleep I am dreaming of myself as a 11 year old boy, moving between dimensions deciphering ancient magic code. Guarding the ones I love from evil entities. I forget what I am while awake. I feel part of nothing, of no real use to anyone or thing.

I wish I could erase certain people from my memory entirely. I feel uncomfortably unbalanced in the world when I find those, who think nothing of my existence, wandering into my own mind. I can't compare this particular sensation to anything else. It is as if I am sending a signal and receiving nothing but static, causing me to feel utter worthlessness throughout my entire being. Even worse is the speculation that they feel disgust at the very thought of me.

I have no need for this uncomfortable feeling, it serves no purpose or opportunity to learn. The only times this desire to remove someone from my memory is present, is when one person is significant enough to me to skew my perception or force me to question what I want in life. It is difficult to reverse these revelations, and even more so difficult to forget the ones who encouraged them.

Setting the analytical aside, being forgotten so easily by those I allowed myself to care for feels like hell and makes me feel like a damn fool. The incessant weight of loneliness is deepened, and I feel desperate to get it out of my mind. Most of the time, I do well to keep it out of my mind. The flood of memories that cause the heart to ache is usually triggered entirely by accident. Reading a message, a photo, then the door is open and you remember the warmth of skin, butterflies and tingling, unusual comfort, laughing, and worst of all; feeling hopeful.

I am tired of my own pathetic tirades.