The entry regarding the crash south of Nanton has been removed out of respect to the family and friend's of the beautiful, talented, young girls who lost their lives on Saturday.
No permission was given to quote this blog or post a link to it anywhere.
I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart, to those whom I hurt.
I will post a longer entry later tonight once I get myself together.
23.11.09
20.11.09
What am I thinking about?
I'm hungry. This is for sure, I can feel it.
My eyes are burning a little, I must be tired.
I'm having difficulty distinguishing between thought processes. When I sleep I am dreaming of myself as a 11 year old boy, moving between dimensions deciphering ancient magic code. Guarding the ones I love from evil entities. I forget what I am while awake. I feel part of nothing, of no real use to anyone or thing.
I wish I could erase certain people from my memory entirely. I feel uncomfortably unbalanced in the world when I find those, who think nothing of my existence, wandering into my own mind. I can't compare this particular sensation to anything else. It is as if I am sending a signal and receiving nothing but static, causing me to feel utter worthlessness throughout my entire being. Even worse is the speculation that they feel disgust at the very thought of me.
I have no need for this uncomfortable feeling, it serves no purpose or opportunity to learn. The only times this desire to remove someone from my memory is present, is when one person is significant enough to me to skew my perception or force me to question what I want in life. It is difficult to reverse these revelations, and even more so difficult to forget the ones who encouraged them.
Setting the analytical aside, being forgotten so easily by those I allowed myself to care for feels like hell and makes me feel like a damn fool. The incessant weight of loneliness is deepened, and I feel desperate to get it out of my mind. Most of the time, I do well to keep it out of my mind. The flood of memories that cause the heart to ache is usually triggered entirely by accident. Reading a message, a photo, then the door is open and you remember the warmth of skin, butterflies and tingling, unusual comfort, laughing, and worst of all; feeling hopeful.
I am tired of my own pathetic tirades.
I'm hungry. This is for sure, I can feel it.
My eyes are burning a little, I must be tired.
I'm having difficulty distinguishing between thought processes. When I sleep I am dreaming of myself as a 11 year old boy, moving between dimensions deciphering ancient magic code. Guarding the ones I love from evil entities. I forget what I am while awake. I feel part of nothing, of no real use to anyone or thing.
I wish I could erase certain people from my memory entirely. I feel uncomfortably unbalanced in the world when I find those, who think nothing of my existence, wandering into my own mind. I can't compare this particular sensation to anything else. It is as if I am sending a signal and receiving nothing but static, causing me to feel utter worthlessness throughout my entire being. Even worse is the speculation that they feel disgust at the very thought of me.
I have no need for this uncomfortable feeling, it serves no purpose or opportunity to learn. The only times this desire to remove someone from my memory is present, is when one person is significant enough to me to skew my perception or force me to question what I want in life. It is difficult to reverse these revelations, and even more so difficult to forget the ones who encouraged them.
Setting the analytical aside, being forgotten so easily by those I allowed myself to care for feels like hell and makes me feel like a damn fool. The incessant weight of loneliness is deepened, and I feel desperate to get it out of my mind. Most of the time, I do well to keep it out of my mind. The flood of memories that cause the heart to ache is usually triggered entirely by accident. Reading a message, a photo, then the door is open and you remember the warmth of skin, butterflies and tingling, unusual comfort, laughing, and worst of all; feeling hopeful.
I am tired of my own pathetic tirades.
13.11.09
It's 2:30am. I'm starving, as is the usual around this time of night. I feel uninterested in food these days, nothing appeals to me, and I eat only as necessity. The hunger doesn't bother me so much, I find a sort of comfort in the physical sensation of emptiness.
I feel myself rapidly approaching a breaking point, yet I don't see myself crumbling like I have in the past. In fact, I predict the very opposite. All this time I have been fighting my predisposition toward isolation, when what I should have done long ago, was embrace it. I perform all of these odd little gestures and daily activities as if I were playing a character. Examining, studying and then mimicking. I have spent so much of my life trying to understand what I need to be doing in order to fit in, or at least to avoid detection of my awkwardness, I have lost my self in the process.
Driving alone down the west coast, it never occurred to me how much I was emotionally displacing myself from all of that, how detached I was becoming of my rituals and habits involving social situations. During that time I did not realize how free I was in every sense of my existence. It was not until the fear of returning to that imprisonment, did I come to grasp all that had become open to me. And even more so, upon returning home and even feeling detached from objects, and what I previously associated with 'home'.
The revelation; after everything, is that I need nothing but myself. For I find no happiness in trying to understand the complexities of 'people', and it only serves to cause me grief. I have everything I need available to me, or at least the ability to obtain what I need. I see no cause for getting caught up in a whirlwind of drama concerning other people, when I could be utilizing the resources around me in order to accomplish what I want to do.
Simply put, I am no longer going to be a victim of loneliness and isolation. From now on, it is going to be on my terms.
I feel myself rapidly approaching a breaking point, yet I don't see myself crumbling like I have in the past. In fact, I predict the very opposite. All this time I have been fighting my predisposition toward isolation, when what I should have done long ago, was embrace it. I perform all of these odd little gestures and daily activities as if I were playing a character. Examining, studying and then mimicking. I have spent so much of my life trying to understand what I need to be doing in order to fit in, or at least to avoid detection of my awkwardness, I have lost my self in the process.
Driving alone down the west coast, it never occurred to me how much I was emotionally displacing myself from all of that, how detached I was becoming of my rituals and habits involving social situations. During that time I did not realize how free I was in every sense of my existence. It was not until the fear of returning to that imprisonment, did I come to grasp all that had become open to me. And even more so, upon returning home and even feeling detached from objects, and what I previously associated with 'home'.
The revelation; after everything, is that I need nothing but myself. For I find no happiness in trying to understand the complexities of 'people', and it only serves to cause me grief. I have everything I need available to me, or at least the ability to obtain what I need. I see no cause for getting caught up in a whirlwind of drama concerning other people, when I could be utilizing the resources around me in order to accomplish what I want to do.
Simply put, I am no longer going to be a victim of loneliness and isolation. From now on, it is going to be on my terms.
27.9.09
bow and arrow
Caught up in all of it; feeling sorry for myself and rehashing old failures.
Seldom these days, but the fear still finds it's way into my psyche, and my body feels weak all over.
Am I so naive, after every thing? Could it possible be - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice... and so forth. A disheartening notion. Perhaps my sense of sagacity is more of a detriment than an advantage at this particular point in time, holding my head up so high that I fail to see the carpet pulled out from under me.
I find myself coming back to the notion of accomplishment, and furthermore - self fulfillment. Am I really genuinely seeking self fulfillment, or simply embracing isolation? For the latter, I could think of nothing else I could do at this point other than run away from what makes me feel the most isolated. I found much joy in solitude, but only with the knowledge of its impermanence. Knowing that I would soon find myself back in my old, repulsive comfort zones, the people and places I know so well but do not bring me happiness. It's tolerable, mediocre, comfortable. Yet being able to move around with eyes closed leaves time for too much thinking, analyzing, trying to figure out if it is me, or them.
Real, I find, is not good enough for most people. I find myself constantly falling short of people's expectations, their idealistic notions. I am far too stubborn to attempt to romanticize my persona in an attempt to hold one's attention, and I don't think I could keep up the act. I would always eventually give myself away and turn out to be just be as plain and boring as anyone else. In other cases I feel there is an addiction to the pursuit and the rush, once someone becomes routine then the interest is lost.
I am exhausted by this game.
Seldom these days, but the fear still finds it's way into my psyche, and my body feels weak all over.
Am I so naive, after every thing? Could it possible be - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice... and so forth. A disheartening notion. Perhaps my sense of sagacity is more of a detriment than an advantage at this particular point in time, holding my head up so high that I fail to see the carpet pulled out from under me.
I find myself coming back to the notion of accomplishment, and furthermore - self fulfillment. Am I really genuinely seeking self fulfillment, or simply embracing isolation? For the latter, I could think of nothing else I could do at this point other than run away from what makes me feel the most isolated. I found much joy in solitude, but only with the knowledge of its impermanence. Knowing that I would soon find myself back in my old, repulsive comfort zones, the people and places I know so well but do not bring me happiness. It's tolerable, mediocre, comfortable. Yet being able to move around with eyes closed leaves time for too much thinking, analyzing, trying to figure out if it is me, or them.
Real, I find, is not good enough for most people. I find myself constantly falling short of people's expectations, their idealistic notions. I am far too stubborn to attempt to romanticize my persona in an attempt to hold one's attention, and I don't think I could keep up the act. I would always eventually give myself away and turn out to be just be as plain and boring as anyone else. In other cases I feel there is an addiction to the pursuit and the rush, once someone becomes routine then the interest is lost.
I am exhausted by this game.
28.8.09
You're ever welcome with me any time you like.
There times in which even I am surprised at what I am capable of doing when I really want to.
Yesterday I drove approximately 13 hours straight, from Calgary to Seattle, Washington.
I started the day off late as I was dreading having to deal with my incredibly upset mother, I slept until about noon then decided I ought to get myself together and leave. Before departure I had a new muffler and break pads installed, as well as a new panel for my drivers side door that goes over the weather stripping. Without it I would have heard nothing but wind the whole way here.
As far as technology goes, I scored a Garmin GPS system for my car that I have ever so lovingly named "Gizmo", my father also set up some kind of freaky adapter for my car that has like 3 cigarette jacks, this way I can charge my phone, use gps, etc. I had a bit of trouble with the music, originally purchasing one of those FM Transmitters, only to discover that it sucks donkey balls. Then by chance, I stopped at Cash Converters while waiting for my new glasses to be made and found a super cheap audio system with an auxiliary input. Score! I had it installed about 20 minutes later and I am pretty sure that is the only reason I made it to my destination without dying. All the static from that damn FM thing would have driven me batty.
Anyhow, Thursday (late) afternoon I loaded up my car, set my GPS destination and set my iPod to Hunky Dory by David Bowie and headed south. Gizmo tried to lead me to hwy 22 but I chose to take hwy 1 to Fort Macleod instead, in hindsight it probably knew better and would have gotten me there faster. In any case I made one stop at Ford Mac for a Honey Bun and some Pirate cookies and an energy drink and headed straight to the Crows Nest Pass.
Crows Nest is actually a pretty easy drive, albeit a bit windy here and there but not bad for the most part. When I finally reached the border crossing I got hastled by the patrol officer a little, he searched my bags and for a moment I was pretty sure he was going to tear my car apart. He closed up my bags and sent me off with a little greasy eyeball. I was worried they were going to pull me over after exiting so I tried to do the speed limit. Cars came flying up behind me and honked and passed and I was thinking "wtf I am just doing the speed limit". Then shortly after nearly hitting a moose, I realized that the speed indicated was now 60MPH not 60KPH. Oops.
I stopped in some no where Idaho town to get gas at one point, immediately got creeped on by red necks. Once on the interstate it was smooth sailing for the most part, even though I had promised myself not to drive at night. The speed limit is about 112KPH and normally at home I would do about 140 but in fear of Idaho highway patrol, I did the limit nearly the entire way to Seattle. Got lost in Couer d'alene for a bit, went in circles with my GPS trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing.
By this time I was starting to become incredibly fatigued and was seriously contemplating pulling over and sleeping, but my tenacity kept me going. At one point I realized I had not taken my medication in 24 hours and decided to pull into the shoulder to get my pills out of the trunk. There was not a car or truck for miles, I stopped on a stretch of road in the middle of a desert of sorts. When I stepped out of the car I could feel the humidity and the air smelled like wet earth, the road was only illuminated by my hazard lights and the stars were brighter and clearer that I have ever seen. For once I could make out the little clusters of stars that look like little wisps of cloud. I wish I could have stayed there for awhile.
The drive between Spokane and Seattle is twisty and a little scary in the dark, at one point I could tell I was coming straight down the side of the mountain into the Seattle area, only able to see as far as my highbeams would allow and using my GPS map as a guide for the really sharp turns. I wish I could have done this part of the drive in daylight, I can imagine it is beautiful and probably much more fun. On the flip side there was hardly any traffic the entire way.
I put my iPod on Elliott Smith's XO for the last little stretch, did a little victory shuffle in my drivers seat as I entered Seattle. Gizmo decided to send me on a little tour of the sketchy parts of the city, which was the only time it seemed as if it didn't know where it was going. I figured the rest out and found the hotel. After all of that intense driving, I accidentally rolled into a parked car behind me on a hill... It was about 3:30 Seattle time by then, I was dead tired and remember looking in the mirror and one of my eyes was squintier than the other. :P
I crashed, hard. Yet I still had to take an Imovane because my brain was so over stimulated from the drive.
One day down, three weeks to go.
Yesterday I drove approximately 13 hours straight, from Calgary to Seattle, Washington.
I started the day off late as I was dreading having to deal with my incredibly upset mother, I slept until about noon then decided I ought to get myself together and leave. Before departure I had a new muffler and break pads installed, as well as a new panel for my drivers side door that goes over the weather stripping. Without it I would have heard nothing but wind the whole way here.
As far as technology goes, I scored a Garmin GPS system for my car that I have ever so lovingly named "Gizmo", my father also set up some kind of freaky adapter for my car that has like 3 cigarette jacks, this way I can charge my phone, use gps, etc. I had a bit of trouble with the music, originally purchasing one of those FM Transmitters, only to discover that it sucks donkey balls. Then by chance, I stopped at Cash Converters while waiting for my new glasses to be made and found a super cheap audio system with an auxiliary input. Score! I had it installed about 20 minutes later and I am pretty sure that is the only reason I made it to my destination without dying. All the static from that damn FM thing would have driven me batty.
Anyhow, Thursday (late) afternoon I loaded up my car, set my GPS destination and set my iPod to Hunky Dory by David Bowie and headed south. Gizmo tried to lead me to hwy 22 but I chose to take hwy 1 to Fort Macleod instead, in hindsight it probably knew better and would have gotten me there faster. In any case I made one stop at Ford Mac for a Honey Bun and some Pirate cookies and an energy drink and headed straight to the Crows Nest Pass.
Crows Nest is actually a pretty easy drive, albeit a bit windy here and there but not bad for the most part. When I finally reached the border crossing I got hastled by the patrol officer a little, he searched my bags and for a moment I was pretty sure he was going to tear my car apart. He closed up my bags and sent me off with a little greasy eyeball. I was worried they were going to pull me over after exiting so I tried to do the speed limit. Cars came flying up behind me and honked and passed and I was thinking "wtf I am just doing the speed limit". Then shortly after nearly hitting a moose, I realized that the speed indicated was now 60MPH not 60KPH. Oops.
I stopped in some no where Idaho town to get gas at one point, immediately got creeped on by red necks. Once on the interstate it was smooth sailing for the most part, even though I had promised myself not to drive at night. The speed limit is about 112KPH and normally at home I would do about 140 but in fear of Idaho highway patrol, I did the limit nearly the entire way to Seattle. Got lost in Couer d'alene for a bit, went in circles with my GPS trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing.
By this time I was starting to become incredibly fatigued and was seriously contemplating pulling over and sleeping, but my tenacity kept me going. At one point I realized I had not taken my medication in 24 hours and decided to pull into the shoulder to get my pills out of the trunk. There was not a car or truck for miles, I stopped on a stretch of road in the middle of a desert of sorts. When I stepped out of the car I could feel the humidity and the air smelled like wet earth, the road was only illuminated by my hazard lights and the stars were brighter and clearer that I have ever seen. For once I could make out the little clusters of stars that look like little wisps of cloud. I wish I could have stayed there for awhile.
The drive between Spokane and Seattle is twisty and a little scary in the dark, at one point I could tell I was coming straight down the side of the mountain into the Seattle area, only able to see as far as my highbeams would allow and using my GPS map as a guide for the really sharp turns. I wish I could have done this part of the drive in daylight, I can imagine it is beautiful and probably much more fun. On the flip side there was hardly any traffic the entire way.
I put my iPod on Elliott Smith's XO for the last little stretch, did a little victory shuffle in my drivers seat as I entered Seattle. Gizmo decided to send me on a little tour of the sketchy parts of the city, which was the only time it seemed as if it didn't know where it was going. I figured the rest out and found the hotel. After all of that intense driving, I accidentally rolled into a parked car behind me on a hill... It was about 3:30 Seattle time by then, I was dead tired and remember looking in the mirror and one of my eyes was squintier than the other. :P
I crashed, hard. Yet I still had to take an Imovane because my brain was so over stimulated from the drive.
One day down, three weeks to go.
25.8.09
What goes up, comes down.
The past few days have been much like a roller coaster.
On the plus side:
I am now the proud owner of a new HP mini notebook. Super cute.
New GPS system for my car.
A little Olympus point and shoot I purchased with my Optimum points.
Driving through the mountains to Canmore the other day.
Yamaha YC 20 back in my possession.
Naps in the back seat of my car.
A big bag of vintage clothes for $20.
Black highwaisted Versace jeans for $7.99.
New hair color.
Aand the not so fun:
My back breaks are in rough shape.
Sleeping through the entire day.
Being late for work.
Horrible FM transmitter for my iPod.
Breaking my glasses in half.
Visa screwing me over.
How absurdly expensive absolutely everything is.
On the plus side:
I am now the proud owner of a new HP mini notebook. Super cute.
New GPS system for my car.
A little Olympus point and shoot I purchased with my Optimum points.
Driving through the mountains to Canmore the other day.
Yamaha YC 20 back in my possession.
Naps in the back seat of my car.
A big bag of vintage clothes for $20.
Black highwaisted Versace jeans for $7.99.
New hair color.
Aand the not so fun:
My back breaks are in rough shape.
Sleeping through the entire day.
Being late for work.
Horrible FM transmitter for my iPod.
Breaking my glasses in half.
Visa screwing me over.
How absurdly expensive absolutely everything is.
18.8.09
A few days past
I sat along the edge of the world and watched your fire burn out
and I recall then when you asked me to raise my palms and lick the stars from your mouth
Your fingertips trace my memories, reading my dreams like braille, please tell me all about - it
The air in this room stings my nostrils and I find myself retreating inside
Blackened smiles creep the walls like angry vines and all I can do is close my heavy eyes to hide
Perhaps if I paint my mouth in a distorted sort of pose, I be less afeared of those grinning back
Yet if a mirror takes a glimpse inside, I would find myself afloat in an ocean where that mirror cracked
I cannot imagine a place, safe and freely loving, surrounded not by an ocean but instead on dry land
If you choose to take me to some sunnier place, please promise not to let go of my hand
Where my cheeks are forever flushed and my eyes forever brightly blue
It could only be a dream, true, until I let go and trust simply trust in you.
and I recall then when you asked me to raise my palms and lick the stars from your mouth
Your fingertips trace my memories, reading my dreams like braille, please tell me all about - it
The air in this room stings my nostrils and I find myself retreating inside
Blackened smiles creep the walls like angry vines and all I can do is close my heavy eyes to hide
Perhaps if I paint my mouth in a distorted sort of pose, I be less afeared of those grinning back
Yet if a mirror takes a glimpse inside, I would find myself afloat in an ocean where that mirror cracked
I cannot imagine a place, safe and freely loving, surrounded not by an ocean but instead on dry land
If you choose to take me to some sunnier place, please promise not to let go of my hand
Where my cheeks are forever flushed and my eyes forever brightly blue
It could only be a dream, true, until I let go and trust simply trust in you.
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