You're ever welcome with me any time you like.

There times in which even I am surprised at what I am capable of doing when I really want to.

Yesterday I drove approximately 13 hours straight, from Calgary to Seattle, Washington.

I started the day off late as I was dreading having to deal with my incredibly upset mother, I slept until about noon then decided I ought to get myself together and leave. Before departure I had a new muffler and break pads installed, as well as a new panel for my drivers side door that goes over the weather stripping. Without it I would have heard nothing but wind the whole way here.

As far as technology goes, I scored a Garmin GPS system for my car that I have ever so lovingly named "Gizmo", my father also set up some kind of freaky adapter for my car that has like 3 cigarette jacks, this way I can charge my phone, use gps, etc. I had a bit of trouble with the music, originally purchasing one of those FM Transmitters, only to discover that it sucks donkey balls. Then by chance, I stopped at Cash Converters while waiting for my new glasses to be made and found a super cheap audio system with an auxiliary input. Score! I had it installed about 20 minutes later and I am pretty sure that is the only reason I made it to my destination without dying. All the static from that damn FM thing would have driven me batty.

Anyhow, Thursday (late) afternoon I loaded up my car, set my GPS destination and set my iPod to Hunky Dory by David Bowie and headed south. Gizmo tried to lead me to hwy 22 but I chose to take hwy 1 to Fort Macleod instead, in hindsight it probably knew better and would have gotten me there faster. In any case I made one stop at Ford Mac for a Honey Bun and some Pirate cookies and an energy drink and headed straight to the Crows Nest Pass.

Crows Nest is actually a pretty easy drive, albeit a bit windy here and there but not bad for the most part. When I finally reached the border crossing I got hastled by the patrol officer a little, he searched my bags and for a moment I was pretty sure he was going to tear my car apart. He closed up my bags and sent me off with a little greasy eyeball. I was worried they were going to pull me over after exiting so I tried to do the speed limit. Cars came flying up behind me and honked and passed and I was thinking "wtf I am just doing the speed limit". Then shortly after nearly hitting a moose, I realized that the speed indicated was now 60MPH not 60KPH. Oops.

I stopped in some no where Idaho town to get gas at one point, immediately got creeped on by red necks. Once on the interstate it was smooth sailing for the most part, even though I had promised myself not to drive at night. The speed limit is about 112KPH and normally at home I would do about 140 but in fear of Idaho highway patrol, I did the limit nearly the entire way to Seattle. Got lost in Couer d'alene for a bit, went in circles with my GPS trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing.

By this time I was starting to become incredibly fatigued and was seriously contemplating pulling over and sleeping, but my tenacity kept me going. At one point I realized I had not taken my medication in 24 hours and decided to pull into the shoulder to get my pills out of the trunk. There was not a car or truck for miles, I stopped on a stretch of road in the middle of a desert of sorts. When I stepped out of the car I could feel the humidity and the air smelled like wet earth, the road was only illuminated by my hazard lights and the stars were brighter and clearer that I have ever seen. For once I could make out the little clusters of stars that look like little wisps of cloud. I wish I could have stayed there for awhile.

The drive between Spokane and Seattle is twisty and a little scary in the dark, at one point I could tell I was coming straight down the side of the mountain into the Seattle area, only able to see as far as my highbeams would allow and using my GPS map as a guide for the really sharp turns. I wish I could have done this part of the drive in daylight, I can imagine it is beautiful and probably much more fun. On the flip side there was hardly any traffic the entire way.

I put my iPod on Elliott Smith's XO for the last little stretch, did a little victory shuffle in my drivers seat as I entered Seattle. Gizmo decided to send me on a little tour of the sketchy parts of the city, which was the only time it seemed as if it didn't know where it was going. I figured the rest out and found the hotel. After all of that intense driving, I accidentally rolled into a parked car behind me on a hill... It was about 3:30 Seattle time by then, I was dead tired and remember looking in the mirror and one of my eyes was squintier than the other. :P

I crashed, hard. Yet I still had to take an Imovane because my brain was so over stimulated from the drive.

One day down, three weeks to go.

What goes up, comes down.

The past few days have been much like a roller coaster.

On the plus side:



I am now the proud owner of a new HP mini notebook. Super cute.

New GPS system for my car.

A little Olympus point and shoot I purchased with my Optimum points.

Driving through the mountains to Canmore the other day.

Yamaha YC 20 back in my possession.

Naps in the back seat of my car.

A big bag of vintage clothes for $20.

Black highwaisted Versace jeans for $7.99.

New hair color.


Aand the not so fun:


My back breaks are in rough shape.

Sleeping through the entire day.

Being late for work.

Horrible FM transmitter for my iPod.

Breaking my glasses in half.

Visa screwing me over.

How absurdly expensive absolutely everything is.

A few days past

I sat along the edge of the world and watched your fire burn out

and I recall then when you asked me to raise my palms and lick the stars from your mouth

Your fingertips trace my memories, reading my dreams like braille, please tell me all about - it

The air in this room stings my nostrils and I find myself retreating inside

Blackened smiles creep the walls like angry vines and all I can do is close my heavy eyes to hide

Perhaps if I paint my mouth in a distorted sort of pose, I be less afeared of those grinning back

Yet if a mirror takes a glimpse inside, I would find myself afloat in an ocean where that mirror cracked

I cannot imagine a place, safe and freely loving, surrounded not by an ocean but instead on dry land

If you choose to take me to some sunnier place, please promise not to let go of my hand

Where my cheeks are forever flushed and my eyes forever brightly blue

It could only be a dream, true, until I let go and trust simply trust in you.

Totally burned.

Once again.

When the hell am I going to catch a break?

I decided to get breakfast at 6 am. A lone lightening bolt decided to hit the building inches in front of me. You missed.



And out of this nothing will come your unborn soul

Thoughts on loneliness

A failure complex, social awkwardness, repulsion.

I keep everyone at arm's length, mostly. This appears to intrigue some. Occasionally after much observation and thought, I allow myself closer to an individual. Soon after (very soon) they become seemingly disenchanted with me, perhaps some mystery is lost? Should I assume myself to be repulsive to others when I open up to them? I fear there is nothing of value beyond whatever exterior appeal I may possess, nothing worth pursuing further knowledge or understanding of.

Trapped in a perpetual cycle of loneliness, I always feel like an outsider.
I feel deserving of appreciation, even love. I care so deeply for others and try to show it as often as possible. I see so much good in everyone, so much uniqueness in people that I want to investigate and understand. The interest is rarely reciprocated.

Memories of Sled Island on Imovane

It's that time again, took some sleeping pills and in hopes of conjuring some brilliance or epiphany during the night. My brain is now sleeping, it is dreaming. My body is still awake to guide me and allow me to document these dreams.

The past week has been one of much excitement and joy. Seeing so many people I love in one place, old friends and new. All with a common cause to enjoy (in each their own way) the 2009 Sled Island Festival

Although the fest technically did not start until Wednesday, we started early on Tuesday night at Tubby Dog featuring The Sub Linguals, SSRI, and DJ Jonathan Toubin. Sub Linguals rocked my shit as per usual, Kamil had his foot broken by a very large man who insisted on dancing as hard as he could despite his monstrous stature. I missed SSRIs getting coffee, but came back to The Dog and danced my ass off to some wicked soul jams courtesy of Dj Jonathan Toubin.

Wednesday started off early for me, hair and makeup for a Calgary Fashion Show for Factory Party #6. I was fitted with a long navy blue, Appalachian inspired dress a pair of woven leather BCBG heels and a head dress made of feather, fur and bone. The Fashion Show itself was brief and went seemingly well. Afterward we all headed back to the party, I spent the majority of the night drinking and mingling and wandering around looking at art. Later in the night after Andrew WK played I participated in a Soul Dance Contest hosted by Jonathan Toubin and Zak Pashak. Judged by members of the Monotonix. I got a fair number of votes but unfortunately lost to a girl with no pants. The party lasted well into the morning after we all relocated to Art Gallery on 17th Ave for the After Party. Sadly, that morning my car was towed shortly after making the decision that I was too drunk to drive and decided instead to park it in a very stupid place and crash at my friend's house for the night.

(More photos to come from Wednesday)

Thursday afternoon was back to Tubby Dog for Gift Eaters, Nu Sensea, Neckbeards and Friendo. Gift Eaters were awesome as usual but Nu Sensea blew my mind! Officially my favorite Vancouver band. Ate a PB&J Dog during Neckbeards and I made a giant mess, I'm sure some Sled Island Camera guy has a photo of my cramming the hotdog in my mouth with peanut butter and Captain Crunch all over my face. Missed a bit of Friendo and they had some technical difficulties but vert much enjoyed the rest of the set.

Then it was time to head off to the Legion, hoping to catch King Kahn and BBQ, The Famines and Japanther. We ran into (my hero) Nardwuar outside of the Legion and discussed a mutual friend of ours and then he posed for a picture with me and gave me a pen that takes his clothes off when you turn it to the side. T'was a magical moment. Realizing I had already missed the Famines, I ran upstairs to catch King Kahn and BBQ. The room was completely packed so I stook well near the back beside Nardwuar. The sound was amazing despite being so far away and having the room filled with so many bodies. Probably one of my favorite shows of the week.
Later on caught a bit of Anvil downstairs at the Legion, which was pretty entertaining and then headed home for the evening.

(will finish later.. much more to come)

She leave no trace, she don't leave at all

I spent this evening eating pizza with my Grandmother who I don't see often. We talked about normal things and got into talking fashion. She gave me a ton of wonderful pieces, denim vests, cardigans, old leather belts, a really great long 80s shirt, and my favorite of the bunch - two 60's Gunne Sax by Jessica dresses.

I can't wait to wear them! Although I'm afraid of ruining them, I think they would be great to wear on a picnic day or out to a party. Will post pictures later on.

Tomorrow I am going on a small garage sale adventure. Saturday will be the more exciting day, but I have to work at 4pm so I'm trying to fit some in tomorrow as well. I need to keep myself on a strict budget or I will be broke in no time. Garage sales turn me into a mad woman.

Speaking of spending money - I made a Polyvore Mod Cloth wishlist.

So if anyone out there loves me, I wear a size small. :D